The Monster of Porn Pt.1

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Monster of Porn: Pt 1 

I ran out of the closet as if my life depended on it, when in actuality, it did. Every fiber of my being rested on a mental decision to open a door. Doors are powerful tools in life. They possess the power to lock you out of a place or to allow you in. This particular door’s assignment was to keep me out of the destination that God had purposed for me. If I must say, this door had done a great job of doing so over the years.

I bent over, placing the palm of my sweaty hands over my knees. Freedom is based on one decision. The smallest objects in life are the cure to the biggest problems. I reached for the can of gas and the box of matches that rested near the soles of my feet. Without thinking twice, I took them and I began to pour gas on the outskirts of the door.. I opened the door and began to pour gas on the inside of closet as well. I walked out and grabbed the matches and I lit it. As I stared at the flickering flames, I thought to myself, “Today, I toast to the beginning of the end”, and with that thought I threw the match on the door and I watched my prison burn to the ground.

The Monster of Porn

The first time I experienced Porn, I was about 6 years old. I curiously put the unmarked black VHS into the VCR and I pressed play. I can’t remember the exact time, neither do I recall what I had on, I just know that what I saw changed my life forever. That day, a door was opened and before me stood the Monster of Porn. He grabbed my hand and led me through a door that had no end. He turned around as he was leading me and said with assurance “My name is Porn, and I will never let you go”.  That day I wasn’t just introduced to sexual perversion, but I was introduced to a decapitating addiction.

I am really at a lost for words right now! Where do I begin, where do I end? I do know that I can no longer pretend that I do not struggle within myself. I cannot allow my peers or religious fanatics to put me on sinless pedestal only for me to struggle to keep my balance. I’d much rather fall and let God pick me up!

Excuse me , Do you have makeup remover?  I need a lot – I am tired of covering up the scars. .. Marc Coley

A “Preacher friend” of mine said something recently that was so profound.  She said “the only thing that separates individuals in the regards of sin, is money”. Allow me to explain…. For example, the woman with money can do everything in the book and still be considered a sophisticated, well-to-do young lady but the woman without money cannot afford the luxury of covering up her sins. So she is considered a whore or a trashy lady. The sin is no different. It is simply the presentation of it that changes. I am not rich by a long shot, but I have given my last shiny red penny in exchange for the most expensive make- up.

“Don’t you know that if you offer to be someone’s slave, you must obey that master? Either your master is sin, or your master is obedience. Letting sin be your master leads to death. Letting obedience be your master leads to God’s approval.” —————– Gods Word Romans 6:16

I am its Slave and it is My Master.  The monster of Porn that reigned over me could be compared to the harshness and severity that Adolf Hitler had over the Jewish. It is controlling and cruel. I am at the mercy of it’s throne.

If I don’t kill him, he will kill me…  Marc Coley

Paul expressed my exact thoughts – I don’t realize what I’m doing. I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate. God’s Word Romans 7:15. Like Paul, I find myself doing the very thing that I do not want to do.

Google knows more about me than most of my friends and family. I have shared with it some of my darkest secrets. I sweep it with the “Internet Eraser” and it forgets that I am a flawed Christian, only to remind it of who I really am the next day. [If you knew what Google knew about me, I’m sure you would 2nd guess my confession of Christianity]

The Monster of Porn taught me deception. We didn’t always have cable growing up. When we finally did, my eyes were opened to so much. Some good and some bad; mostly bad.  It didn’t take long for me to discover the XXX channels. Once my curiosity was sparked it triggered a chain reaction. Late at night The Monster would wake me up to begin the class of deceit. Porn was the teacher and I was the submissive student.  I would wake up and turn the volume down and begin to watch it. I programmed the remote to return to kid-friendly shows at the press of a button. My grandmother’s room was next to mine so I would periodically walk to her room to make sure she was still asleep. I learned well and I practiced daily.

Someone has to talk about it… I guess I will break the ice… Watch out, the ice may be breaking under your feet .. Marc Coley

The internet was no different. My childhood friend gave me a CD that allowed free internet access. Good old Juno was my best friend when I was in the seventh grade. I popped it in the computer and the world was at my fingertips. Each night, the cravings that I had intensified more and more.  My flesh had become so consumed with Porn until I could not control its nightly visitation. I would go to school and write reminders to myself on different things that I wanted to search for when I got home.  It had me by the throat. I was a slave.

I was still young, but somehow I felt that it was wrong.  It didn’t seem right.  I didn’t fully understand, but what I was able to sense that it was something bad.  I remember when I hit puberty and I began to masturbate.  I was opening doors that I was too young to walk thru but the Monster of Porn grabbed my hands and guided me in anyway.

The Church tends to stray away from this taboo topic of sexual sins. If this trend continues- the Church will cultivate a culture of sexually perverted Christians. Many people don’t really discuss sexual problems within the Church, maybe because such a bulk of people struggle in that area and because we are ashamed, therefore, we do not share. I’ve noticed that it is easy to teach and preach from areas that you have defeated, but if I be naked with you, it’s a challenge to confess the issue that is still just that… an ISSUE.

What makes Porn Bad? In fact what is Porn? Pornography or porn is the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual arousal and erotic satisfaction. I struggled with those questions for quite some time. It wasn’t until around 2002 when my relationship with God began. I mean, I grew up in church but that does not equate to the church growing in me.  Nevertheless, my sister introduced me to God in 2002 shortly after my grandmother passed. It was a refreshing time in my life. God offered me hope and love.  I began to learn more and more about Him. From that one introduction, I started chasing him down like a dog chases a cat.

Stay tuned for Part 2 —- While you are waiting , take a look at some startling facts.

* April 6, 2007: 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives. From a non-scientific poll taken by XXXChurch, as reported by CNN.

* In a survey of over 500 Christian men at a men’s retreat, over 90% admitted that they were feeling disconnected from God because lust, porn, or fantasy had gained a foothold in their lives. As reported in an article on Pastors.com by Kenny Luck.

 

I am Marc Coley
& I am finally [Unleashed] 
Follow me on twitter@marcunleased

Fix My Dad | Fix Me Too

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I run from my thoughts but they always manage to catch me. My mind sits in the darkness of space, like the chicks in the horror films waiting to be pounced on by the terrorizing villain. My thoughts scare me. The moment I allow one to seep in, millions more cramp their way into my mind, like anxious shoppers on the morning of Black Friday. Who knows a man better than the MIND of his spirit? I am afraid to face my issues.

The mirror I refuse to look at – I’d rather get dressed in the dark…Marc Coley

My formations begin around November of 1987. I made my entrance to the stage of life on July 27 1988. Born to an unwed mother with no signature from my father on the birth certificate. Having him not show up at one of the most significant moments of my life , it was a sign of what the future had in store. I have heard a few people say that I looked like him. Oddly enough, I could not properly internalize that because I have never seen him long enough to capture his face. I ain’t bitter.  Yea, I am.  One effort to know me and showed that he cared would have altered my life greatly! Now, I am left to deal with the baggage that he was supposed to protect me from.  I am not saying he is the reason for my mistakes or shortcomings. I’m simply focusing on the fact that things wouldn’t have been so bad if he was there.

Dear Mr. Thomason,

I have never taken the time to heal properly. My mind moves at the speed of light to avoid the pain from settling in. I have become numb to my feelings towards you.  Old folks always say, you can run, but you can’t hide. So, at 23 I am both mentally and emotionally exhausted.

This letter may never reach your eyes, but the fact that it is leaving my heart is good enough. A few years ago I thought I was over the issue of you not being there for me, but I wasn’t. Or better yet I am not. I keep reminding myself that I am not bitter, but I am. You see, you were supposed to be my hero and my best friend, you were supposed to be at all my events; rooting from the audience. “That’s my boy”! I am not perfect Mr. Thomason, but I assure you I would have made a wonderful son. Now I am 23 years old In the United States Navy. I saw you at a funeral before I left for boot camp. I hope you remember. Anyway, you didn’t seem impressed that I was excelling in life. I wasn’t shocked either. I don’t know about you, but it felt awkward seeing you. I didn’t know how to respond to you, and as I walked away I stumbled with whatever the proper way is to say goodbye to a “stranger” who carries my DNA.  As I write this my eyes are filling with tears. I can barely see the screen. Years of tears that are waiting to flow like the Nile River. I held it in because honestly, I didn’t feel like you were worth my tears.

I prayed a few times that God would intervene and make my fantasy life a reality. As you can see that request did not manifest.  God knows best.  I am not bitter. Yes I am.  You lived less than 20 minutes away from me and you did not think enough of me to ever visit. What if I died, would you care? Would you be sad? In 2006, I graduated high school and shortly thereafter I had a car accident that could have killed me. I am quite sure you didn’t know about that. I grew up feeling insecure and worthless.  My grandmother did a lot but she could never be my dad. God did not give that responsibility to a woman, he gave it to the man. Did you know I dealt with severe depression to the point that I wanted to take my own life?!? I am asking rhetorical questions, I am not looking for a response. My Grandmother passed away in 2001 as you know; you were at the Funeral. I think I remember seeing you there.  You didn’t offer any form of comfort to me.  I used to strive to work hard in life so that one day I could show up at your front door and make you regret not being in my life.  I remember reaching out to you once. I was at work and I called and asked to speak to you, you may not have noticed, but I was very nervous, but I was just as hopeful for what could happen! Well just in case you don’t remember, I called and you didn’t notice my voice.  I expected that because we had never spoken on the phone. I said, “This is Marcus” you asked, “Who?” and I went on to repeat myself. You said, “Oh okay”.  You went silent.  I asked if you wanted to just call me later on.  You never called back. You broke my heart into a million pieces!! I gathered from that moment that you didn’t love me as if you hadn’t already built a solid case within the last 23 years.

On a lighter note, you have helped me in some way though.  I promised myself that if I ever had a child I love them with everything that I have. I would give them the world. I would promise to hug them every chance that I got.  I would try my best to show up at every event.  To sit from the audience and yell at the top of my lungs “That’s my son/daughter”. To rock them to sleep in my arms & to be their protection from this unforgiving world. I would simply be their Father from the moment I learn that my wife was carrying my unborn child, till the day that they die, I would be their Father.

I have come to realize that I cannot carry you in my heart.  So I am releasing you.  It may mean nothing to you, in fact, this entire letter could have been pointless to you, but today is significant. Today I lift my glass and I toast to the Beginning of the End.  Monster may live, But God can slay a monster with one rock. (Ask David)

Understanding that God takes all the hurt and all the pain that was there and uses it for something bigger and Greater.  God will not forsake us.  He gave me a Mother and a Father.  I had a hard time accepting and giving love to others because my understanding of love was distorted.  I am finally coming to a place where I allow people to love me. The science of the matter is that because the person that assisted in my creation, the person that carries my DNA – did not show me that he cared, that made me feel that no one did or ever would.  I was very insecure, I still struggle with that Monster as well (another Monster for another Day)

My prayer has changed. You can lose sleep, be bitter, and go insane holding unforgivesness in your heart. However, the person you have not forgiven is somewhere enjoying their life.  So I guess God don’t need to Fix You – I think it’s me with the problem.  I am not saying that tomorrow it will all be better but what I am saying is that I have packed my bags and I have started walking on the road towards healing.  I am not bitter.

Respectfully,
Marc

I am Marc Coley,
& I am Finally [unleashed]
www.marcunleashed.com // @marcunleashed

Conception | The Monster Lives Pt. 2

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The Monster Lives

Text Message … Friend : What are you talking about ( referring to the blog ) Me : Monster LOL Friend : Monsters?? Like GaGa’s monsters?? Lol Me: Nah mine… Where did I .. I meant where did he come from? Every since I can remember, he … Continue reading →

The Monster Lives

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Frankenstein ain’t got nothing on me.. I meant HIM . I swear that there is a monster that lives, breathes, and moves inside of me. When it’s hungry he forces me to feed him. When he is sick of people, he forces me to cut them off. When he is moody he forces me to let those that are around me know that I am not having a good day. When he is horny, he begs me to get sexual gratification. We he is mad, he forces me to think of words to destroy. When he is jealous, he forces me to seek ways to get revenge.. A real life MONSTER… inside of “little old ME “.. figure that ?

It is Marc Coley … yeah – the naked.me guy. I have been feeling that statement more and more as the days go on. I believe that God is defiantly doing something different inside of me. [not sure what it is] I feel that I’m being prepared for something that isn’t that glamorous but for something that will impact a world of people.

NAKED … so liberating .. so refreshing.  I spoke with a friend a few years ago about the subject of blackmail. Ya know .. blackmail .. when someone holds something over you in-order to get what they want from you … ok-ok you want a Webster meaning , aye?  Here it goes … to force or coerce into a particular action, statement, etc . So what happens is , as LONG as you keep the monster on the hush the enemy is able to Blackmail you . OK, you are reading like you are confused. Lemme break it down.

Say your Monster is the fact that you have sex outside your marriage. The enemy of course knows that… after all he is the one that tempts, persuades and leads us into traps. Any who, by you trying to hide “the monster” you have to live a double life.. because everyone knows you as a Christian and they CAN NOT find out your secret , Right? … Blackmail … wouldn’t it be liberating to get it off your chest and say what you struggle with so that your REAL brothers and sisters can help you and pray you through ? YEP.. but of course we are taught to hide and be secretive… but if you are reading this I believe that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you through these words. Be free …#fareal … be free…

Back to my Monster … yeah he’s still here. My grandma use to say “if ya feed em’ , they stick around “ … she was referring to the wild animals that use to make their way into our yard… but I’m referring to the struggles that stick around. Yep. I admit .. I’m not perfect … I forgot to send the memo to those that admire me. I forgot to post it on my Facebook status for those that say ” Coley is SOOOO anointed ” … yep.. that guy.. He has a monster. Growing bigger and stronger as the days go by. I attempt to ignore him … I try to pretend he’s not there. I say to myself, .. When I wake up he will be gone…. or maybe if I pray in tongues it will magically disappear … but with no luck… HE YET LIVES...!!  Oh!! I know … I will run to the alter and the man up there will lay hands on me and pour a bottle of olive oil on me and when I get home .. the Monster will be gone  … NOPE . Not that easy!

The Monster lives … The only one that can deliver me from this unforgiving attachment, is GOD. Knowing that… I have cried countless nights but he has not yet deliver … until then I’m processing …I believe this is the part that God is leading me to “The Process “. Monsters don’t appear overnight … and with that same logic, they don’t disappear overnight as well. I wasn’t aware of that. I was under the impression that when I came to Christ I became… ya know , PERFECT ! … Well sadly, I’m not .. I’m just like millions of people.. “I’m in the process”. Don’t get it twisted.. that doesn’t give me FREEDOM to do whatever and blame it on “the process” … but It gives me assurance that this MONSTER [ as nasty as he is ] will not be around forever….

I am finally [unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed


The Monster Prelude

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A closet is a place where you store things. It also serves as a holding place for things that you don’t bother to deal with when necessary. I used my closet to hide in. I took everything that bothered me and I stuck it in the closet. Like a soda can that has been visciously shaken, I am erupting.
 
Here – Today I toast to the beginning of the end.
 
                  My eyes are wide open but, I am unable to see anything. It is dark and cold in here. My lungs are filling with the crisp air; and slowly releasing it. Spiritually, I have spent my entire conscious life sitting in the confines of this closet. I would love to say that I was trapped by a force greater than myself, but sadly it was I who held the key. Imagine that, having the key to your own freedom but neglecting to use it.  Pride locked me up, and dared me to open the door. Fearful of negatively affecting my “image” or “persona” of perfection, I cowardly let “the Monster of Pride” win and I stayed there as I was instructed. I have been trapped by pride. I have visciously neglected the first order of following Jesus, denying myself. With everything at stake, my heart is beating uncontrollably. God has summoned me to come out and be healed. My mind has surrendered itself powerless to the invading thoughts of fear. The Holy Spirit speaks and says,” If they don’t love you after the truth, they never loved you to begin with”. I am extremely nervous. I slowly extend my left hand out to feel for the door knob. I feel it. As I slowly turn the door handle I take a deep breath. “ I guess it’s time for the truth”..
 
                 #Monsters Live and Monsters Die Series will be the [Naked. Me] I will confront and deal with the Monsters of Insecurity, Sexual Perversion (Homosexuality & Masturbation), Fear, and Pornography. Oh yeah, your Monsters may live today, but the Power of God carries the capacity to destroy every Monster in my life as well as in yours.  We are overcome by the power and the words of our testimonies. At some point in your life you have to grab a can of gas, a pack of matches and burn the HELL out of the closet. That one door has single handedly stopped the progression of God’s Power in my life. So it is time to open the door. Freedom is on the other side and it has been long overdue.
 

Subscribe now  for the quickest update on the Monster Series …  

 
 
I am Marc Coley,
& I am Finally [unleashed]
www.marcunleashed.com // @marcunleashed

Her Story / My Cure

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Lacie: Her Journey Her story sounded so familiar. It was as if I had heard those exact same words before. She said, “I’m so unsure Coley, I just want him to speak to me and I just want to know that he is there.” Right then, I realized where I had heard that same cry for help. It was me; I had spoken those words internally the night before. Frustrated without a means to quench it, I stood there in the shower starring at the falling water. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. It was as if my spirit silently commanded my tear ducts to dry up before the first drop could even form. So I stood there, like a man awaiting the prison guards to open the gates so that I could walk into freedom. That night, I fell asleep praying.

We met so that I could talk to her about reestablishing her relationship with God. Honestly, who am I to try to help someone re-establish a relationship with God when I am unconsciously working to destroy mine? I know, maybe that last sentence was to real, aye? Right now I am not focused on the legalistic factors that govern religion but I am concerned with the condition of the entire being of a person. In high school, the football coach would always say, “You can dress a turd up, but it’s still gonna stink”. Well, I am the turd and I didn’t bother to dress up today. As she begin to open up more, I notice the heaviness that she concealed with a smile. Even though she didn’t want it to, her true feelings begin to seep out from behind the smile and laughter. Her eyes turned red but she refused to let herself cry. I glanced at her for a second. In that moment, I saw her heart and I saw her desire to be better and to do better. She talked to me about her fights with depression. I could relate. I have come to find this to be true, “Ya just never know what people go through”. Truth be told, many of us are carrying things that we do not known how to rid ourselves of. My pastor often says, “That’s a God Job”. Meaning some things God will just have to handle because we lack the intelligence to do so. I sat there allowing her to get it all out, being un-judgmental in every sense of the word. Before we realized it, we had spent most of the afternoon just talking. There were moments of laughter, seriousness and moments “I just don’t know”. I didn’t meet her with the notion that I would have all the answers, instead I met her with the notion that I would listen to all her concerns and worries. It is my prayer that God would manifest himself to her in an unorthodox manner so that she will not only hear about his love but so that she will experience it.

I am Marc Coley & I am [unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed

Hungry Man Syndrome

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My grandmother loved to cook! To me she was the best cook around! Seeing that I didn’t have many to choose from, I guess she automatically was the best to me. Nevertheless, she cooked all my favorite foods. Fried chicken, corn bread, pecan pie, greens.. [ I am hungry NOW ]. Well, sometimes she cooked things that I didn’t like so well and I would refuse to eat them! I mean if I don’t want to eat something, why should I, right? To my surprise she never got upset and fussed at me about it, she would just say, “When ya hungry enough, you will eat.” Obliviously she didn’t know me because I was determined not to eat that disgusting looking food. Well as time went on and my stomach grumbled more and more, I begin to have second thoughts about this disgusting food. Long story short, I gave in and ate what was before me. I guess I got “Hungry enough” aye?

“When hunger is more than the physical and it begins to dominate your mental state, that’s a sign that you are ready ” … Marc Coley

The Hungry Man Syndrome: No matter the obstacle before you are not detoured from achieving your goal. A hungry man always eat! 

There is something special about the human spirit that is quite interesting to me. Desperate situation possess the ability to force us out of our natural selves and step into something GREATER. I will never forget the story of a woman whose child was stuck under the tire of a car and, the woman, out of desperation lifted the car to rescue her child. The wow factor to this story was that she was a mere woman, that when the time came “tapped in” to a higher source of strength. There was no time to lolly-gag over the matter; in fact, it was literally a “Life or Death” situation. What has the ability to occur when you then step into the realm of the ‘ Hungry Man ‘. I’ll give you the answer, ANYTHING! No, you don’t have to have it all together before you step out, you don’t have to have all the money either [ preaching to myself] you just need to be HUNGRY. Hunger is define as >> a strong or compelling desire or craving. In the natural scenes of the word, can you recall how you responded on those occasions when you were hungry? If you are anything like me , all I thought about was that fact that I was hungry and how soon I was going to eat. In other words the physical desire for food forced its way into my mind, which caused it to be a mental desire as well.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” Dr. King

Biblical Principle >>
James 2:26 For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

“Success is more than the declaration of such; it is the possession [action] of such”…. Marc Coley

I really think you should..give it up! Success will not drop out the sky and hit you on top of your head, if it does, give me the address of where the next dropping will occur and I will be there pronto! Focus. Make a plan and then work the system. I mean really WORK the system. My God Mom preached a message some years ago that has not left me yet. She said “It’s not WHAT ya KNOW it’s WHO ya KNOW “. In other words, it’s not in the power of my “knowing”, all the time, sometimes, it is in my power of “connecting”. That is why is essential to never burn bridges as you cross them, you never know which ones you will need to travel back. That principal alone has taught me not only to be gun-ho about my success but also to be passionate about the success of others. Teamwork works wonders!  [ free leadership training via marcunleashed.com ]. Connection alone is a powerful tool, but it becomes useless/powerless if there is no DRIVE behind it.

JUMP OFF THE PLANE! The Wind will catch ya !  [ I hope jk ] Many people don’t know this about me .. [ come closer .. don't want everyone to know this ] I am a shy person! I know, I know, you don’t believe me , right! Anyway, I mentally force myself to do things that I am afraid to do. I can remember when I was in high-school and we had our annual talent show, I would always say to myself, “I want to be up there performing”. Well in my tenth grade year I stop wishing and I worked up enough nerve to go and sign up for the next talent show. Well sadly, I didn’t win but the fact that I got up there was a stepping stone for my confidence. I thought if I could do that, then I can do anything. After that talent show, I organized my school first independent gospel choir, I joined the poetry club and I also had a starring role in my school’s Christmas play. It all started with HUNGER. I encourage not only desire things that you want to do, but I dare you to get a plan and work the system! I will not say that it will be an easy journey, but I know for a fact that it will be a rewarding one.

>>Yo! I am soooooo sorry [inserts sad face] Where are my manners? You are hungry right?? and I am keeping you ! Ugh forgive me, I’m done… so go EAT!

I am Marc Coley & I am [Unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed

Your Best Life Now [Marc's Edition]

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Joel Osteen has a book called, “Your Best Life Now”, so I thought it was only fitting that I stir up your MoJo with my rendition of such! I hope these steps help you as they help me! 

1.    Use every free opportunity to get some face-time with God! If you are bored, why send a mass text message asking random people “WYD” when you could be praying and asking God “WYD” !  Example: Use your shower time – you can even talk to him in the car as you commute to work in the morning!

2.  Stop being so darn grumpy all the time! My Grandma said that if you keep frowning and looking ugly, one of these days you are going to get stuck like that!  Smile, it will carry you along way.

3.  Go through your phone or Facebook contact list and pick a random person to bless. It does not have to be MONEY! It only takes a minute to send a card or a kind email or text. You never know whose life you can impact! 

4.  Turn off the radio, the phone, the TV, and the internet, while you at it! Just for a few hours every now and then, allow God to speak to you without any outside interferences.

5 . Make a list of people that you have offended or that have offended you and go back and attempt to make things right [give it another shot! Yes, even after the 20th time]. Even if you were not at fault, still GO BACK!

6.  Do something out of the normal! Get adventurous and do something wild! (NOT TOO WILD NOW!)

7.  Expand your circle of friends so that it is diverse.  If possible, befriend people of different nationalities and cultures. Someone that is different from you can teach you new things about the world.

8.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you find yourself getting offended easily, just take a moment and look at the bigger picture.

9. Today, find a way to compliment an absolute stranger. It is easy to find or say something negative so purposely find something good to say and share it with that person!

10. Last but not least, laugh at a good joke today! Be silly and let your hair down! Play dress up with your kids. Take goofy pictures and share them with the world, it’s okay, we will still love you if you crack a smile.

I am Marc Coley & I am [unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed  

Fix My MoM & Fix Me 2 pt2

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As I comb thru my locks of pride and insecurity, I think to myself, “Rapunzel ain’t got anything on me!” I am not gloating; I would prefer to call it “self-awareness”….

“I haven’t given up hope… I am just running on a short supply” …. Marc Coley

As promised, I am back with the conclusion of the matter. I am honored that you decided to come back and if this is your first time, I extend the same warm welcome.  If you read part 1, you have an idea as to how I will flow on part 2.  Here is my story, better yet, here is her story.

Well, [sigh] [Pulls out the brush and begins to comb]

I was enrolled as a student at Quitman County Elementary up until the 7th grade. Don’t ask, that was just the setup of that particular school system. Nevertheless, it was not until my seventh grade year, that my luck changed and I was no longer the “butt of jokes” for the student body. That day could have ruined it all for [[me]] <<  PRIDE.

There was a knock at the door. I don’t recall what we were learning about that particular day. Ms. Taylor, my teacher, walked to the door and opened it. I didn’t bother to look up until I heard my name. They walked into my classroom. I saw my grandmother first and then I saw my mother. Immediately, my heart dropped in my chest. It was as if someone had taken a hammer and without warning plunged it into forcefully into my back. Mentally, I begin to prepare myself to be humiliated by my peers. My mind flooded with thoughts of lying to hide the truth. Do you blame me?.. I had a hard enough time as it was… They came into the classroom and talked to my teacher. I was still nervous. I watched in fear. I was afraid that my newly found (cool) reputation would be ruined. I feel the lumps welling up in my throat out of fear. I am hoping internally that this visit is as painless as possible. To my surprise it went well. My mom was quiet the entire time. They checked me out of school and I remember as if it was yesterday, she asked me, “Did I act ok?” I responded with a happy “Yes!” She didn’t embarrass [ME] << the development of pride at an early age.

“She smoked a lot. I begged her to quit because I didn’t want her to die.”… Marc Coley

I envisioned us riding in the car talking for countless hours about nothing in particular. Just normal, mother and son conversations. I often pictured me introducing her to my closest friends; even the special ones. Don’t laugh but I could hear my friends calling her ‘mom’ because she was so cool with them. Don’t [read] this blog and assume that I am a depressed individual, but this is just a mirror and I am standing in front of it.

It was a family function that day. Maybe a cookout or birthday party, I can’t remember.  My grandmother and aunt’s house are in the same yard. Music is blasting and everyone is having a good time. I am at my aunt’s house sitting on her porch. My mom sits down beside me. She is drunk. I feel a frog in my throat, because I wanted to cry as I look at her. If I remember correctly I did shed a tear or two. Barely able to get the words out, I told her “I’m going to take care of you when I get older”. I promised to be there. Looking back on those memories, I can honestly say that I have…. failed. I don’t call like I need to. I don’t pray like should. Quite frankly, I can’t give you a ‘good enough excuse’ as to why not.

West Central [Google it]>> If you are from Columbus or the surrounding areas, you may have heard of West Central. If not, [Google it]. Nevertheless, it is a mental institution. I remember the first time my mom went there. In fact, in the course of her life she has been there several times. Anyway, I was glad she was going because, from my understanding, or I should say from a child’s mind, they would “fix” her. She stayed for a few weeks before coming home. I went to visit. I noticed a change in her demeanor, but I hated the fact that my mother had to be there.

Witch Doctor >> My mom or “Shelly” as my family calls her has functioned in cycles for the last few years. One moment she seems to be improving and the next it is as though she is getting worst. While my grandmother was living she had gotten so frustrated with my mother’s situation that one day she went to a strange lady’s house. At that time I didn’t know who the lady was. It wasn’t until years later that I put 1 and 1 together and realized that the lady was a root worker. Anyway, we walked into her home and this lady sat my mom down and began to talk to her. By this time I was escorted out of the room, but I did hear what was being said. The woman told my grandmother that someone had “put something” on my mother. Black magic, if you will. So the lady gave my grandmother a bar of soap for my mother to bathe in and some candles to burn to rid her of the evil spirits. Well, you probably know by now, but that solution did not work.

Spiritual Warfare >>> I met a pastor a few years back that was pretty heavy in demonic possession; an expert so to speak. I was convinced that it was a demon inside of my mother that was causing her to be mentally unstable. I was referred to her by a friend of mine.  We walked into her office that day and I told her what I thought was the problem. If hope could be measured on a scale, mine had easily set a record. She anointed my mother’s head with oil and she began to pray. I knew that this was it; the moment of deliverance. My heart was full of joy. That day, I expected to walk out with a brand new mother.  … but .. but.. that day, I walked out broken and frustrated. I tried to understand “this” but I was unsuccessful. I didn’t understand.

I blamed her for failing me. I blamed God for not making my life “normal”. Surprisingly, the more I live, the more I understand the beauty of the abnormality. It sets me apart for greatness. We humans, being infinite in power cannot change the past. Once things have been done or said it cannot be “undone” or “unsaid”. If so, I would immediately go back and right the many wrongs that I have committed but, honestly, the more I think about it, I am glad we cannot… I salute the past because it shaped me and I hug the future because it embraces me. I love my mother; I guess I haven’t shown her.  If she died today, I would be devastated because she didn’t fail me … I failed her. Pride wrapped its hands around me and held me captive. Today, MY operation to be fixed begins…

I grasp this concept and I hold on to it with dear life.
Daniel 3:13-18

17 if our God Whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18 But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image which you have set up!

God, my prayer has changed. 23 years and I now understand. Please “Fix Me” …

I am Marc Coley & I am [Unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed