The vampires live
Frankenstein keeps coming back
I continue to try to kill them
Why wouldn’t you stay dead?!?!

It’s like for some reason
they keep meeting the Resurrection
And come back to life

STAY DEAD!!!

These monsters don’t come from the grave
or from electricity
All these monsters come from the closet
All these monsters come from within

Things that I have been exposed to in my past
Things that I wasn’t supposed to see

Now I have to deal with my inner struggles alone
But there is a remedy to remove them forever
Instead of running from them and hiding in the dark
Light must shine

Transparency
Naked
The ability to see through me
If I allow others to see me
They will see the flaws
They will see the mistakes

But I have got to get rid of these monsters somehow
They are not only terrorizing me
But they are also terrorizing others
Fear is causing me to keep going back and forward like a madman
Rejection is playing with my mind and
Insecurity is causing me to be like a drowning man,
Gasping for air

I must be real and I must set fire to my closet
and yell “BURN!!”
I call on the power of El Shaddai Himself
I release of the fire of the Great I AM to burn up everything from the monsters’ existence
I release the fire of God to burn out all unclean lust from my life in the name of Jesus
May the fresh fire burn until there is nothing left

After the fire
I must go back and repair
And once the healing has been made apparent
The monsters never existed in my life
Will they try to return? Of course!
They don’t have anything better to do
But trying to bring destruction into my life

With me being naked
Will help not only me
But others who needs to conquer their own monsters
We are fighting a war that we already won
We just need to realize this and heal from the past

So we can yell together now: MONSTERS DIE!!!

I am Marc Coley | Piece Submmited By J. Fletcher
& We are finally [UN]leashed 
Follow me on twitter @marcunleashed 

Dr. Martin Luther King said this profound statement: “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”

Ten of us sat in a circle and no one said a word. There was complete silence. I could only hear the beat of my heart. I looked around at everyone’s expression and each face was full of pride. My mind said, “Don’t speak” – but my spirit cried out and said, “Please”- I stuttered as the words began to come out of my mouth, “My, My… My name is Marc Coley and I am …

The passageway was dark. The Monster of Porn & The Monster of Masturbation continued to lead me further and further into the hole. We had gone so far that I didn’t recall where we had started.  In front of us, I saw an enormous door. They looked back at me and said, “just a little further and we will be there.” My feet moved as if I was being controlled like a puppet. Out of nowhere I heard a faint voice behind us that said, “Don’t go any further”. My feet came to a screeching halt.  The monsters reached for my hand and said, “Come on Marc. We are almost there. Just a little further.” In my mind I stood in a mental doorway; I had a choice to trust the Monster that I knew or trust the small, faint voice that I no longer recognized.  The Monsters stared at me as they waited for my decision. Without much hesitation, I reached for their hands and we continued to walk forward, I heard the voice once more saying, “Come back Marc. Come back.” As I turned my head forward I saw a door that read, “The Beginning of the End” – The Monster of Porn looked at me and said with delight, “Once we enter through that door, you will NEVER hear that voice again.”

Romans 1:28 King James 2000 Bible
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not proper;

Today is Saturday May 12th, 2012 – the time is approximately 3:44PM – I received an email that challenged me mentally and emotionally and without regards for who I am, it challenged me spiritually.  Hell has not changed its requirements for enrollment. You separate yourself from God and you have a one way ticket in. The sins that were wrong 2,000 years ago did not change when I came along. Sadly, God has not changed the rules nor has he lowered his standards either. We, I meant me – I have fallen from the shores of Grace and drifted so far into an unruly ocean that I can no longer see land. I have allowed Monsters to rule and dictate my life. My fire has been replaced by a candle that refuses to be lit. I am no longer a voice for holiness and purity but a billboard for lukewarmness and mediocrity. Our, I meant my excuse is that I am not perfect. That fact remains true – but I have abused the mercy of it. You can die and go to Hell from the front pew. No, my dear friend, my intent is not to scare you to God because fear sometimes vanishes; I am merely warning you that the road from God is a smooth, downhill slope and the road back to him is a rocky, uphill climb.

“Your life has become the Devil’s Dumpster” …… Marc Coley

You wake and you no longer feel his presence in your life. You sin and you feel not one ounce of remorse. You don’t care, and you don’t care that you don’t care. His sacrifice no longer holds power in your life because you refuse to admit that you are no longer his. It is when you become numb to sin, like a drug the doctors give so you won’t feel the pain. Like the nicotine the smoker inhales to forget the cares of the world. The words “forgive me” never cross your lips; the words don’t even resonate in your mind. When you no longer fear GOD and your explanation for everything is, “I am not perfect”. We, I meant I make myself feel better by misusing the scriptures to validate my less than perfect life. True, we all have fallen short of the glory of God, but we use his mercy as a clutch, refusing to be healed. His grace, we inhale like oxygen, not giving regards that one day it may be gone.

“The first law of Sin & Death: Do what thou will “ …… Marc Coley

I have practiced it, and now I have mastered it. When I first announced to people that I was going into the military, many feared for my life. When they heard this they imagined that I would be on the front lines of a war. As scary as that is, there is another place that is not worthy to be compared. The most dangerous place to be in your life is not on the front lines of a war, it is when you sin and do not care. It is when you understand the depth of his love but you deny it for the satisfaction of sin.  It is when your soul does not carry the weight of your guilt. It is when you are able to carry on as if you have not just crucified Christ afresh. I have been turned over to be ruled by my own sinful desires. “Do what thou will”. In order to follow Jesus, you must first deny yourself. What if that means that I will live an “unhappy” life? What if “deny yourself” means no friends. What if “deny yourself” was actually a painful process. Many of us – I meant I was under the impression that Jesus’ responsibility was to make me happy and his JOB was to make my fight against sin painless. I thought that once I said I believe that Demons would stop chasing me and that temptation would cease. They didn’t stop, in fact it got worse.

They stared at me and in that instance demanded an answer. “So what is your decision Marc?”, they asked. I took a deep breath and I looked behind me once more. I no longer heard the faint voice. As I was turning my head forward, I saw a drop of blood on the floor. They became impatient. “What is your decision Marc?”, they yelled. My heart began to race. A war was brewing inside the corners of my mind. My flesh said GO! but my spirit said otherwise. Out of nowhere the voice echoed once more. It said ”The blood was for you. The Blood was for you!” Tears streamed down my face, I snatched my hands from the grips of the Monsters and I Said “No! No longer will you rule my life!” And with courage I said, “today….”

I am Marc Coley,
& I am Finally [unleashed]
www.marcunleashed.com // @marcunleashed

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name cast out demons, and in your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS” (Matthew 7:21-23)

“Go to hell” – The old folks back home use to say, excuse my French when they said words that were less than polite. So excuse my “French” within this post for my less than polite way of expression.

A hypocrite is a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.

I never wanted to be a hypocrite. The ideal of preaching one thing and living another was the farthest thing from my mind. Yet each morning, I undesirably adorned myself in the attributes of such.  Ironically enough the “Hypocrite Virus” is spreading at an unprecedented rate. It is sweeping the body of Christ like a broom against a rugged floor. Hypocrites are now a normal fixture of the modern church. It is okay to be anointed in the light and a drunk in the dark. The world takes our confession of Christianity as a Joke. They no longer believe in our God and our testimony of overcoming is continually diluted by the filth of our undercover lifestyle(s).  Maybe if we came down from our well-built platforms we wouldn’t be the butt of jokes for the world. Nevertheless, the world continues to move on and the church continues to be a meeting place to practice religion. Each Sunday we gather out of habit and not out of relationship. It is as if we were trained by Satan himself. We meticulously sweep real issues under the rug while promising hurting people the blessings of God. Believe me, I could use a few dollars in my pocket- but I have come to find out that money cannot break chains off of my life. Money does not have an ounce of power to rid my mind of suicidal thoughts, that which can do these things (the blood) is free.  We plan concerts and host praise festivals to showcase our anointed voices and to show off our fancy foot work, all the while Millions are dying and are on their way to Hell. Don’t get mad – Keep reading.

We yell at the world from balconies of our beautiful cathedrals, adorned with fresh brick and clean floors. Treating “worldly” people as outsiders – like our churches are secret societies for the elite only. (Somebody say AMEN). Truth be told, we don’t witness to folks like we should because we do not know enough about the God we serve, we only know bits and pieces. As Powerless as a dead cell phone, we manage to raise our noses as if we NOW are better than “them” because we joined a church. GET OUT OF HERE! Your anointed voice is now too expensive to sing to the homeless & your agenda is far too busy to be a mentor to the fatherless child. Your prophetic gift is so accurate that you now charge per vision.  I understand. I am lying. I do not understand. You are a hypocrite.  Your focus now has become to build “YOUR” ministry – To write “YOUR” book and to live “YOUR” destiny – Our ultimate Goal in life is to be the Next Big thing. God is just the opening act; WE are what the people came to see.  Don’t get mad – Keep reading.

Oh you fancy huh? Your Facebook posts are so encouraging and you only tweet scriptures. You don’t listen to hip-hop no more, you just stopped cussing yesterday but you still drive by the club on the weekend contemplating whether or not you should go in. Somehow the same grace that was extended to you no longer exists now when it comes to the salvation of others. You bash the fornicator and you ridicule the hooker. You Gossip about the young couple that are shacking and frown upon unwed mothers. In school when we would point a finger to cast the blame our teacher would always remind us that we had three more pointing back at us.  Your internet search engines has more X’s in it then a Jerry Springer talk show and you lust after ever woman that walks past you and you have the audacity to toot your nose up at the man who sells drugs. Who vindicated you? Oh, I know – it is because we do not see your sins but the dealer doesn’t bother to hide his. As always, don’t get mad – Keep reading.

Lucky for us Jesus came for those who were lost. I am raising my hand out of the crowd of proud church folks yelling “ Jesus, Jesus, Over here – I am lost  and I need you to show me the way” –  As I wave, I notice out of the corner of my eye another hand pops up and that person begins to yell . They try to hush us and encourage us to put our hands down because we are “the church”. We scream louder. I see another hand pop up and another – Now it’s your turn —– We will do this together my friend. Let’s make an oath to not bash another person in the head – let’s make a promise to show people the way…the Truth – let’s just simply love people OUT before we put people OUT —  Will we change or will we tell them without an ounce of compassion “ Go to Hell”?

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I am Marc Coley & I am Unleashed
Follow me on twitter @marcunleashed

“Just as the smoker voluntary kills themselves with each puff of poison, I too voluntary inhaled the poison of porn” … Marc Coley

Frankenstein is not worthy to be compared to the Monster that I have patiently and privately groomed into a furious, untamable beast. There is a Monster that lives, breathes, and moves as if he existed in the natural world. When he is hungry, he forces me to feed him. When he is sick of people, he forces me to cut them off. When he is moody he forces me to let those around me know that I am not having a good day. When he is sexually deprived, he begs for sexual gratification. When he is mad, he forces me to think of words to destroy. When he is jealous, he forces me to seek ways to get revenge. I am in no way glorifying this Monster of sin – I am merely painting the art that it has inspired me to create – You can call this painting #death.

Understand that Monsters do not just show up at your front door one day and demand that you become enslaved by their evil control. Actually, Monsters begin as small innocent creatures that show up when life seems the most unbearable. They offer an escape or a temporary fix –often times they disguise themselves as what seems to be a source of friendship or short-term comfort. After a period of time, you get comfortable with their presence. They (Monsters) move in.

“Monsters fight to get into your life – likewise they will fight to stay there…” Marc Coley

[Monster of Porn]

As I stared at him, he leaned forward and whispered this in my ear. “Pretend to be perfect, when you’re in church – lift your hands along with everyone else, speak in tongues- just as they do. Remember to shout when they play fast music – quote scriptures. If you do these things…my dear Marc, then we can be together… forever. I stood there numb by the death sentence that I had just heard. He no longer had to pull me further in the door; I walked in freely without being coerced. As he guided me into the dark hole, The Monster of Porn paused and said there is someone that I would like you to meet. I silently stood there not knowing what to expect and out of the dark shadows, I saw a small frame of what looked to be a young man. It was hard to see him because there was very little light. As this figure came closer, what I saw was enough to make my heart skip a beat. …….

“I am not an example of perfection; I am an example of progression”… Marc Coley                                

Writing this has been somewhat of a challenge. After I received the draft back from the editor @marcunleashed.com I read over it once more and I hit submit. I instantly got up from my computer, I closed Facebook and I walked outside. I juggled back and forth within my mind did I just make the right decision. I felt stupid and embarrassed. About 10 minutes later I got a text that said wow, “thank-you”. Pride wanted me to continue the religious charade as so many Christians do. As you see, I refused to participate. I have received tons of emails, texts and comments concerning this Monster that not only rules the world, but the church as well. Traffic to my blog has tripled over night. I am not moved by the sudden response. The truth is the truth no matter who writes it. God just graced me with the courage to do so. I am not ashamed of my past, present, or future struggles – my only fear was how people would perceive me after the truth. Well, after some deep soul searching I have come to this conclusion, if you don’t love me after the truth, than you never loved me in the first place, you loved a lie.

This Monster of Porn blackmailed me as if our relationship was something from a Lifetime original Film. Many times, like you, I contemplated telling someone that I struggled but I couldn’t because he said that if I ever told anyone, I would lose everything that I had worked so hard to build. He reminded me that the friends that I had would leave me and that people would no longer trust the call of God on my life. This Monster isolated me, he told me I was the only one that struggled – with everything at stake I decided to go back and attempt to fight a battle that I was doomed to lose.

You can escape the hands of the enemy, but religion should not be your weapon of choice. I will not stand before you and say that with one prayer you will be free from every force that opposes you. I spent so much time believing that deliverance was attached to the preacher. I thought, “If this preacher prays for me this monster would leave.” After being license as a minister in 2007 I spent so much time and energy trying to be an example of perfection, but I stand before you as a representation of progression. This post was to bring light to the monster that may exist in your life. This post was to draw attention to the sexually perverted Christians that the church is cultivating.

“The Church will beat down the “drug” addict while the “porn” addict goes unnoticed – All because one is visible & the other is invisible” … Marc Coley

This message is hitting some of you directly in the heart. You have become so wrapped around your “image” that you no longer realize that you have a problem. When you come down from the hype of religion, YOUR Monster is still waiting to go home with you. No matter how much oil is slapped across your head and no matter how many times you lap around the church building – That monster holds on to you for dear life. What you have spent so much time feeding and grooming is now so powerful that you alone cannot control it. I remember my Grandmother use to say “ If you don’t whoop em’ now, don’t try to whoop em’ when they’re grown.” Your Monster is GROWN and you alone cannot deal with it. You have to speak out – do not allow pride to silence you any longer. Jesus says… “I come that you might have life”… Might| indicates that you can have what God is offering or you can decline it. Trust me God wants us to be free – YOU & ME both – How can we be effective in the world if we are yet bound?

The church is cultivating a generation of Homosexuals – Lesbians – Fornicators –Porn Addicts –  & etc. I am not giving creodonts that the church as a whole supports these things; I am merely saying that if we remain “closed-mouthed” on the issues then we will never be victorious in our fight against the enemy. We are bound; a prisoner within our own confines. Pride has locked us away and dares us to speak out. I took the key from pride and I opened the cage – that closet- I burn it down in PART-1 – Now as I move forward, I extend the invitation for you to come with me. We are in a dangerous season in life – despite the hype – I do not feel that a “shift” or a “breakthrough” is coming until we rid ourselves of the #Monsters. There need not be another “praise-fest” or another “self-help conference” until The Monster that lives DIES. I dare to be the David of my generation and meet Goliath flat-footed and with a voice of strength and resilience and say “Today, we toast to the beginning of the End.” It is true, Monsters do live – BUT GOD carries the weight and the capability to slay the Monster of Pride, Fornication, Homosexuality, Lesbianism, and whatever else you may be fighting with. A revolt has begun – MONSTERS DIE.

[CONTINUED]
The Monster that stood before me was 5’3 and of brown complexion, medium build – My hands covered my mouth while I stood there in complete shock. The Monster that stood before me – was “me” with a voice of glee, The Monster of Porn said “This Monster is called The Monster of Masturbation.” He was silent and without hesitation, the Monster of Porn grabbed my left hand and the Monster of Masturbation grabbed my right hand and together they guided me deeper into the dark hole.

Coming Up >>|The Monster of Masturbation Part 1 | The Conception

DISCLAMIER: I, Marc Coley, do not smoke nor do we at www.marcunleashed.com endorse smoking. The artwork was used to capture the emotion of the blog.

Marc Coley & I am finally [Unleashed]
@marcunleashed | www.marcunleashed.com

Monster of Porn: Pt 1 

I ran out of the closet as if my life depended on it, when in actuality, it did. Every fiber of my being rested on a mental decision to open a door. Doors are powerful tools in life. They possess the power to lock you out of a place or to allow you in. This particular door’s assignment was to keep me out of the destination that God had purposed for me. If I must say, this door had done a great job of doing so over the years.

I bent over, placing the palm of my sweaty hands over my knees. Freedom is based on one decision. The smallest objects in life are the cure to the biggest problems. I reached for the can of gas and the box of matches that rested near the soles of my feet. Without thinking twice, I took them and I began to pour gas on the outskirts of the door.. I opened the door and began to pour gas on the inside of closet as well. I walked out and grabbed the matches and I lit it. As I stared at the flickering flames, I thought to myself, “Today, I toast to the beginning of the end”, and with that thought I threw the match on the door and I watched my prison burn to the ground.

The Monster of Porn

The first time I experienced Porn, I was about 6 years old. I curiously put the unmarked black VHS into the VCR and I pressed play. I can’t remember the exact time, neither do I recall what I had on, I just know that what I saw changed my life forever. That day, a door was opened and before me stood the Monster of Porn. He grabbed my hand and led me through a door that had no end. He turned around as he was leading me and said with assurance “My name is Porn, and I will never let you go”.  That day I wasn’t just introduced to sexual perversion, but I was introduced to a decapitating addiction.

I am really at a lost for words right now! Where do I begin, where do I end? I do know that I can no longer pretend that I do not struggle within myself. I cannot allow my peers or religious fanatics to put me on sinless pedestal only for me to struggle to keep my balance. I’d much rather fall and let God pick me up!

Excuse me , Do you have makeup remover?  I need a lot – I am tired of covering up the scars. .. Marc Coley

A “Preacher friend” of mine said something recently that was so profound.  She said “the only thing that separates individuals in the regards of sin, is money”. Allow me to explain…. For example, the woman with money can do everything in the book and still be considered a sophisticated, well-to-do young lady but the woman without money cannot afford the luxury of covering up her sins. So she is considered a whore or a trashy lady. The sin is no different. It is simply the presentation of it that changes. I am not rich by a long shot, but I have given my last shiny red penny in exchange for the most expensive make- up.

“Don’t you know that if you offer to be someone’s slave, you must obey that master? Either your master is sin, or your master is obedience. Letting sin be your master leads to death. Letting obedience be your master leads to God’s approval.” —————– Gods Word Romans 6:16

I am its Slave and it is My Master.  The monster of Porn that reigned over me could be compared to the harshness and severity that Adolf Hitler had over the Jewish. It is controlling and cruel. I am at the mercy of it’s throne.

If I don’t kill him, he will kill me…  Marc Coley

Paul expressed my exact thoughts – I don’t realize what I’m doing. I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate. God’s Word Romans 7:15. Like Paul, I find myself doing the very thing that I do not want to do.

Google knows more about me than most of my friends and family. I have shared with it some of my darkest secrets. I sweep it with the “Internet Eraser” and it forgets that I am a flawed Christian, only to remind it of who I really am the next day. [If you knew what Google knew about me, I’m sure you would 2nd guess my confession of Christianity]

The Monster of Porn taught me deception. We didn’t always have cable growing up. When we finally did, my eyes were opened to so much. Some good and some bad; mostly bad.  It didn’t take long for me to discover the XXX channels. Once my curiosity was sparked it triggered a chain reaction. Late at night The Monster would wake me up to begin the class of deceit. Porn was the teacher and I was the submissive student.  I would wake up and turn the volume down and begin to watch it. I programmed the remote to return to kid-friendly shows at the press of a button. My grandmother’s room was next to mine so I would periodically walk to her room to make sure she was still asleep. I learned well and I practiced daily.

Someone has to talk about it… I guess I will break the ice… Watch out, the ice may be breaking under your feet .. Marc Coley

The internet was no different. My childhood friend gave me a CD that allowed free internet access. Good old Juno was my best friend when I was in the seventh grade. I popped it in the computer and the world was at my fingertips. Each night, the cravings that I had intensified more and more.  My flesh had become so consumed with Porn until I could not control its nightly visitation. I would go to school and write reminders to myself on different things that I wanted to search for when I got home.  It had me by the throat. I was a slave.

I was still young, but somehow I felt that it was wrong.  It didn’t seem right.  I didn’t fully understand, but what I was able to sense that it was something bad.  I remember when I hit puberty and I began to masturbate.  I was opening doors that I was too young to walk thru but the Monster of Porn grabbed my hands and guided me in anyway.

The Church tends to stray away from this taboo topic of sexual sins. If this trend continues- the Church will cultivate a culture of sexually perverted Christians. Many people don’t really discuss sexual problems within the Church, maybe because such a bulk of people struggle in that area and because we are ashamed, therefore, we do not share. I’ve noticed that it is easy to teach and preach from areas that you have defeated, but if I be naked with you, it’s a challenge to confess the issue that is still just that… an ISSUE.

What makes Porn Bad? In fact what is Porn? Pornography or porn is the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual arousal and erotic satisfaction. I struggled with those questions for quite some time. It wasn’t until around 2002 when my relationship with God began. I mean, I grew up in church but that does not equate to the church growing in me.  Nevertheless, my sister introduced me to God in 2002 shortly after my grandmother passed. It was a refreshing time in my life. God offered me hope and love.  I began to learn more and more about Him. From that one introduction, I started chasing him down like a dog chases a cat.

Stay tuned for Part 2 —- While you are waiting , take a look at some startling facts.

* April 6, 2007: 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives. From a non-scientific poll taken by XXXChurch, as reported by CNN.

* In a survey of over 500 Christian men at a men’s retreat, over 90% admitted that they were feeling disconnected from God because lust, porn, or fantasy had gained a foothold in their lives. As reported in an article on Pastors.com by Kenny Luck.

I am Marc Coley
& I am finally [Unleashed] 
Follow me on twitter@marcunleased

The mirror I refuse to look at – I’d rather get dressed in the dark…Marc Coley

My formations begin around November of 1987. I made my entrance to the stage of life on July 27 1988. Born to an unwed mother with no signature from my father on the birth certificate. Having him not show up at one of the most significant moments of my life , it was a sign of what the future had in store. I have heard a few people say that I looked like him. Oddly enough, I could not properly internalize that because I have never seen him long enough to capture his face. I ain’t bitter.  Yea, I am.  One effort to know me and showed that he cared would have altered my life greatly! Now, I am left to deal with the baggage that he was supposed to protect me from.  I am not saying he is the reason for my mistakes or shortcomings. I’m simply focusing on the fact that things wouldn’t have been so bad if he was there.

Dear Mr. Thomason,

I have never taken the time to heal properly. My mind moves at the speed of light to avoid the pain from settling in. I have become numb to my feelings towards you.  Old folks always say, you can run, but you can’t hide. So, at 23 I am both mentally and emotionally exhausted.

This letter may never reach your eyes, but the fact that it is leaving my heart is good enough. A few years ago I thought I was over the issue of you not being there for me, but I wasn’t. Or better yet I am not. I keep reminding myself that I am not bitter, but I am. You see, you were supposed to be my hero and my best friend, you were supposed to be at all my events; rooting from the audience. “That’s my boy”! I am not perfect Mr. Thomason, but I assure you I would have made a wonderful son. Now I am 23 years old In the United States Navy. I saw you at a funeral before I left for boot camp. I hope you remember. Anyway, you didn’t seem impressed that I was excelling in life. I wasn’t shocked either. I don’t know about you, but it felt awkward seeing you. I didn’t know how to respond to you, and as I walked away I stumbled with whatever the proper way is to say goodbye to a “stranger” who carries my DNA.  As I write this my eyes are filling with tears. I can barely see the screen. Years of tears that are waiting to flow like the Nile River. I held it in because honestly, I didn’t feel like you were worth my tears.

I prayed a few times that God would intervene and make my fantasy life a reality. As you can see that request did not manifest.  God knows best.  I am not bitter. Yes I am.  You lived less than 20 minutes away from me and you did not think enough of me to ever visit. What if I died, would you care? Would you be sad? In 2006, I graduated high school and shortly thereafter I had a car accident that could have killed me. I am quite sure you didn’t know about that. I grew up feeling insecure and worthless.  My grandmother did a lot but she could never be my dad. God did not give that responsibility to a woman, he gave it to the man. Did you know I dealt with severe depression to the point that I wanted to take my own life?!? I am asking rhetorical questions, I am not looking for a response. My Grandmother passed away in 2001 as you know; you were at the Funeral. I think I remember seeing you there.  You didn’t offer any form of comfort to me.  I used to strive to work hard in life so that one day I could show up at your front door and make you regret not being in my life.  I remember reaching out to you once. I was at work and I called and asked to speak to you, you may not have noticed, but I was very nervous, but I was just as hopeful for what could happen! Well just in case you don’t remember, I called and you didn’t notice my voice.  I expected that because we had never spoken on the phone. I said, “This is Marcus” you asked, “Who?” and I went on to repeat myself. You said, “Oh okay”.  You went silent.  I asked if you wanted to just call me later on.  You never called back. You broke my heart into a million pieces!! I gathered from that moment that you didn’t love me as if you hadn’t already built a solid case within the last 23 years.

On a lighter note, you have helped me in some way though.  I promised myself that if I ever had a child I love them with everything that I have. I would give them the world. I would promise to hug them every chance that I got.  I would try my best to show up at every event.  To sit from the audience and yell at the top of my lungs “That’s my son/daughter”. To rock them to sleep in my arms & to be their protection from this unforgiving world. I would simply be their Father from the moment I learn that my wife was carrying my unborn child, till the day that they die, I would be their Father.

I have come to realize that I cannot carry you in my heart.  So I am releasing you.  It may mean nothing to you, in fact, this entire letter could have been pointless to you, but today is significant. Today I lift my glass and I toast to the Beginning of the End.  Monster may live, But God can slay a monster with one rock. (Ask David)

Understanding that God takes all the hurt and all the pain that was there and uses it for something bigger and Greater.  God will not forsake us.  He gave me a Mother and a Father.  I had a hard time accepting and giving love to others because my understanding of love was distorted.  I am finally coming to a place where I allow people to love me. The science of the matter is that because the person that assisted in my creation, the person that carries my DNA – did not show me that he cared, that made me feel that no one did or ever would.  I was very insecure, I still struggle with that Monster as well (another Monster for another Day)

My prayer has changed. You can lose sleep, be bitter, and go insane holding unforgivesness in your heart. However, the person you have not forgiven is somewhere enjoying their life.  So I guess God don’t need to Fix You – I think it’s me with the problem.  I am not saying that tomorrow it will all be better but what I am saying is that I have packed my bags and I have started walking on the road towards healing.  I am not bitter.

Respectfully,
Marc

I am Marc Coley,
& I am Finally [unleashed]
www.marcunleashed.com // @marcunleashed

Text Message …
Friend : What are you talking about ( referring to the blog )
Me : Monster LOL
Friend : Monsters?? Like GaGa’s monsters?? Lol
Me: Nah mine…

It is Marc Coley … yeah – the naked.me guy. I have been feeling that statement more and more as the days go on. I believe that God is defiantly doing something different inside of me. [not sure what it is] I feel that I’m being prepared for something that isn’t that glamorous but for something that will impact a world of people.

NAKED … so liberating .. so refreshing.  I spoke with a friend a few years ago about the subject of blackmail. Ya know .. blackmail .. when someone holds something over you in-order to get what they want from you … ok-ok you want a Webster meaning , aye?  Here it goes … to force or coerce into a particular action, statement, etc . So what happens is , as LONG as you keep the monster on the hush the enemy is able to Blackmail you . OK, you are reading like you are confused. Lemme break it down.

Say your Monster is the fact that you have sex outside your marriage. The enemy of course knows that… after all he is the one that tempts, persuades and leads us into traps. Any who, by you trying to hide “the monster” you have to live a double life.. because everyone knows you as a Christian and they CAN NOT find out your secret , Right? … Blackmail … wouldn’t it be liberating to get it off your chest and say what you struggle with so that your REAL brothers and sisters can help you and pray you through ? YEP.. but of course we are taught to hide and be secretive… but if you are reading this I believe that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you through these words. Be free …#fareal … be free…

Back to my Monster … yeah he’s still here. My grandma use to say “if ya feed em’ , they stick around “ … she was referring to the wild animals that use to make their way into our yard… but I’m referring to the struggles that stick around. Yep. I admit .. I’m not perfect … I forgot to send the memo to those that admire me. I forgot to post it on my Facebook status for those that say ” Coley is SOOOO anointed ” … yep.. that guy.. He has a monster. Growing bigger and stronger as the days go by. I attempt to ignore him … I try to pretend he’s not there. I say to myself, .. When I wake up he will be gone…. or maybe if I pray in tongues it will magically disappear … but with no luck… HE YET LIVES...!!  Oh!! I know … I will run to the alter and the man up there will lay hands on me and pour a bottle of olive oil on me and when I get home .. the Monster will be gone  … NOPE . Not that easy!

The Monster lives … The only one that can deliver me from this unforgiving attachment, is GOD. Knowing that… I have cried countless nights but he has not yet deliver … until then I’m processing …I believe this is the part that God is leading me to “The Process “. Monsters don’t appear overnight … and with that same logic, they don’t disappear overnight as well. I wasn’t aware of that. I was under the impression that when I came to Christ I became… ya know , PERFECT ! … Well sadly, I’m not .. I’m just like millions of people.. “I’m in the process”. Don’t get it twisted.. that doesn’t give me FREEDOM to do whatever and blame it on “the process” … but It gives me assurance that this MONSTER [ as nasty as he is ] will not be around forever….

I am finally [unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed

We met so that I could talk to her about reestablishing her relationship with God. Honestly, who am I to try to help someone re-establish a relationship with God when I am unconsciously working to destroy mine? I know, maybe that last sentence was to real, aye? Right now I am not focused on the legalistic factors that govern religion but I am concerned with the condition of the entire being of a person. In high school, the football coach would always say, “You can dress a turd up, but it’s still gonna stink”. Well, I am the turd and I didn’t bother to dress up today. As she begin to open up more, I notice the heaviness that she concealed with a smile. Even though she didn’t want it to, her true feelings begin to seep out from behind the smile and laughter. Her eyes turned red but she refused to let herself cry. I glanced at her for a second. In that moment, I saw her heart and I saw her desire to be better and to do better. She talked to me about her fights with depression. I could relate. I have come to find this to be true, “Ya just never know what people go through”. Truth be told, many of us are carrying things that we do not known how to rid ourselves of. My pastor often says, “That’s a God Job”. Meaning some things God will just have to handle because we lack the intelligence to do so. I sat there allowing her to get it all out, being un-judgmental in every sense of the word. Before we realized it, we had spent most of the afternoon just talking. There were moments of laughter, seriousness and moments “I just don’t know”. I didn’t meet her with the notion that I would have all the answers, instead I met her with the notion that I would listen to all her concerns and worries. It is my prayer that God would manifest himself to her in an unorthodox manner so that she will not only hear about his love but so that she will experience it.

I am Marc Coley & I am [unleashed]
Follow Me On Twitter @marcunleashed